IUI 1 = F.A.I.L.

All tests are negative, as in not pregnant, as in my body just doesn't want to cooperate. I kept testing out the trigger through out the past two weeks and we had a bit of hope. There were faint lines showing up on the tests through Saturday, at which time the trigger should have been gone. It is now clear that it was still the trigger lingering. On Sunday I knew that I was not pregnant, the stark white test was staring back at me. I called the RE and asked if I could stop the progesterone supplements as they will inhibit my cycle starting over. They insisted that I continue to take them as well as go in for the scheduled blood work on Tuesday. Well, that was yesterday and it was just awful. I knew the answer and I didn't want to hear it again. Having to sit in my office for the entire day waiting for the confirmation call was sheer torture. When the nurse called, I could feel my checks getting red hot, my hands and feet were clammy. Hearing "I am sorry, Jennifer, but the test is negative" sent me swirling into despair. I had to close my office door and let it out, the tears came and felt as if they'd never leave.

The realization of living a child free life is becoming clearer and clearer with each passing day. The part that pains me the most is that I am unable to give my wonderful husband a child. A child he so deserves. He would be an amazing father. I feel guilty in this, it is because of me. Can you imagine that pain?

How does one continue to do this? How can I find the strength? Will I survive another disappointment? Am I ever going to heal? Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be a mother? What if I have to go through life always longing for what others have and what I am missing in life?

Again, I must pick myself up, wipe the tears, and bandage up my wounds.