Losing your baby or child, no matter how long they have been with you, is a tragedy. I would never want anyone to experience the heartache and pain that Brian and I have endured. No one has the true ability to understand what it is to experience such deep sadness and emptiness unless one has gone through it themselves. My heart goes out to anyone who has.
I have had so many emotions these past five months, sadness, guilt, self pity, anger, frustration, jealousy, and these are just to name a few. It doesn’t take days, weeks, or months to feel “better.” The healing is a slow process through various stages of mourning and grief. Grieving is a personal journey, it is not depression, and it takes a lot of energy. There are really good days and really bad days; days filled with tears and days filled with laughter. I try to focus on each passing moment to survive. Just as I must allow myself to grieve for our loss, I also must allow my self to enjoy life. All of our dreams for our baby’s future were swept away from us with out any warning or preparation. The future is not what what we expected and that is something that I cannot truly accept – but I can learn to cope, and I am. Through this process I have learned how strong I am, I will survive.
Over the past months I have met a wonderful group of women of who have been my one of my biggest sources of support. They have all experienced losses from miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of their child shortly after birth. They are strong and amazing women, without them I don't know where I would be today. We have built beautiful relationships with mutual understanding of one another. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
Most of all, I am grateful for my loving husband, who has held my hand and wiped my tears as he himself grieves. This has been a trying time on our relationship, but in the end we are a stronger couple. Love will survive. Our baby will always be a part of our life, our first child.
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